Dale's Life

"That track ('Battle Without Honor or Humanity') -- like 'Ride of the Valkyries' -- improves *any* activity."

xkcd.com

Finally a comic that exemplifies my life in its entirety. I can only hope that the author's insanity is really as persistent as my own.

a bit nervous before my adventure.

this is why i jump head first into things. no time for planning or any of this crap. just time to react.

i don't think i'll fail. i don't fail. still, what on earth am i doing?

i forgot to send some documentation informing the program of the time of my arrival. hope they still know i'm coming.

i shall very much miss all my friends.

very, very much.

Fool, I am. Should probably give up on her don't ya think? Would likely be best. Maybe she actually loves him instead anyway. I usually just told myself she was unable to grow up and move on. Mature. So she falls back on what she used to be familiar with. Bullshit answers like that. Or that she just wants to hurt me and make me jealous. Seems viable.

No, no it is just over I guess. Always imagined things changing and us getting back together again. Silly dreams.

Honestly, when I saw I just felt like laughing. It almost seems sad to me. But maybe she loves him and can be happy with him. And I was the fling. Who knows, I never could tell much from her. Never was keen on letting me know how she really felt.

Fuck it, I'm going to Italy anyway. The world will keep turning and I'll just have to see where things are when I come back.

Do you think pretty girls can tell I'm still in love with another woman? Would that explain why they have an aversion to me?

Also Tony made me laugh, a lot:
ItalianNoodle (12:36:45 PM): let her date the dude from greenville whilst you study abroad...or two !

Hooray for funny puns.

Yea, I like building stuff. Doesn't really matter what I build. Wood. Workshop. Tools. I just love it. And fire. Yea, many things I build involve fire. Check it out:



The War Room has long needed a sign. Think this works pretty well. And then:



Yep, our house needed rules.

The routing went... ok. Letters are always hard and I'm forever having to make them. Last time a knife worked well. Knives usually do. But I liked the router and think I did fairly well too.

Stencils are for pussies.

Peace.

Ps. my hands still smell of burnt wood... I love it.

Men wanted for hazardous journey. Small wages, bitter cold, long months of complete darkness, constant journey, safe return doubtful. Honour and recognition in case of success.
- Advertisement Placed by Ernest Shackleton in a London newspaper, August 1914. It is said that 5,000 people responded to it.

Comrade Tony picked me up a book called "the Adventurer's Handbook" by Mick Conefrey. It is looking to be fairly interesting. The thing about all these people in it though? They all have plans. Or more specifically goals in mind. I've only read the first chapter and it is mostly about organizing for the get go, but they all have plans. I had a plan, go to Italy. Tada, now I'm going. I just don't have any idea what exactly I'm going to do there. That's my adventure. Thinking about it though, many of these people ended up in stranger places with people that also didn't speak the same language and they made it out alright. Then again, some didn't. Still, it isn't like anything will kill me. Or at least anything that couldn't just as easily kill me here. Eh, bring it on.

Fairly good couple of days. Visited with people. Yesterday I ate lunch with Ms. Waters. She cooked for Will, Kevin White, Dan, and myself. It was good to chat and catch up with all of them. Ms. Waters is still the sweetheart she has always been. Dan is of course always great to talk to. I just always enjoy conversation with the man.

Also went out with Faith for coffee. Did some catching up. She is having it rough lately, family, boy, money, future. Really it all right now. She'll keep her head and pull through, I just hate to see her having hard times.

There was a cute girl working there. Maybe if I lived here and/or wasn't going to Italy, I'd have asked for her number. Donno where that came from though, in general I can be a real pansy when it comes to women. She did make me think of Anna though, most likely on account of her being a cute girl that works at Starbucks lol. Whatever.

Last night I hung out with my comrades. Played a bit of the beer pong with Scott, Tony, Wilkerson, and Ashley. Will came by later and so did Chris. Good to see Chris a bit, working so much in Wilmington. Saw him a short while today and talked. Women problems. It was weird, Will, Chris, and I were just talking and I got to thinking, we all have the same stories about problems with relationships. Clearly this only means that all women are insane. Bah, I just need to hold out of the right one. Who knows, maybe everyone will be right and I'll meet some nice Italian girl. Hope she's rich. (I mean if you are gonna dream, might as well dream big right!)

Ate with Ashley Mata tonight. Was nice to catch up with her, we hardly keep in touch since college. She's doing good. Sounds like Wilmington is going well for her and her future is panning out nicely. Always comforting to see people with things lined up nicely.

Spent some time chatting with the gang at Tony's. Nice to relax and catch up. This break is doing me nicely. Didn't get to see Tony's lights that we set up earlier today. Bah, they probably look exactly like I'd expect them too. And we weren't able to fix that 2 foot span anyway.

Wilkerson and I talked for awhile afterward. We talked for awhile about Chris. I could tell something was on his mind, hopefully it was just that. I was slightly worried as he had been out there with Ash awhile. She is leaving for awhile tomorrow though, and from what I gathered everything with him is fine. There is a man who has it planned out. I couldn't live his life and don't really desire the future he has planned for himself, but it is a hell of a thing to see him with it all planned out like he has it. I just hope things work out with him and Ashley. So long as they are happy together, I'm happy with them. Sometimes I just worry that they don't have the same futures planned out. The more I learn about Ashely though, the more I think they will work out great together.

Have them pinned as first to marry from our ranks. Unless Chris finds someone willing of course; he has always had a high probability of running off and marrying quick. Hopefully he'll get himself together. I know what he is feeling and if I could shake it myself, maybe I wouldn't be so worried.

Right so that was a bit of a synopsis. What have we learned? One thing is that it seems to hardly scratch the surface of the past two days. Another is that it lacks any details or images. Both things key for what was set out to be accomplished. Hmmm, not really sure if this was a success then. I am thinking as far as my blog goes, I'm going to need to stick to specific stories. Otherwise I just don't think they will be that interesting.

Comments anyway?

I need to write. That is what I need to do. To accomplish many of the things I wish to accomplish, my words need to be floating around this world.

And I have no experience in this area at all... Sometimes I wonder if I haven't been planning this out too well, but in the words of the great general, Dwight D. Eisenhower, "In preparing for battle I have always found that plans are useless, but planning is indispensable." Obviously then... so long as I'm planning for something... and I'm actually paranoid enough to be planning for everything... I'll be fine.

So about my day, as it is a simple enough topic to write on. Woke up bright and early, not on account of want, more on account of intervention. Something wouldn't let me fall back asleep. But it was a lovely morning and it's been awhile since I've seen that. Cooked myself a nice breakfast, egg sandwich. Cheesy and with mayonnaise. It's good; you should try it sometime. I kept my laptop running in the kitchen all day. It was sunny there and very welcoming. I felt like I could accomplish things, and while I didn't do much, I was at least somewhat productive. I emailed Amy... Chambless... the nice lady in charge of majoring in Italian. Hopefully with her help all that will be set up nicely. She was very much in wanting me to call and not communicate through emails. I just feel more comfortable emailing. I remember as a kid (and sometimes still today) freaking out over just calling to order pizza. For a man who often doesn't care for strangers' opinions, it is rather silly. I still emailed her as it really just made sense; I was listing classes I had taken and needed to take, things that just go well on paper. After that it was out into the world.

Christmas shopping for the family today. Mostly I purchased things for my brother. I wanted to get him things he didn't know he wanted. Naturally I had to confer with my parents and the list he made. The one supposed great idea I had was Goldeneye. I thought surely he hadn't asked for that but would love it. Sigh, it was on the list. Still I got to buy it for him, though that took some browsing. I went to Best Buy and bought him Talladega Nights, which he hadn't asked for, and the Guide Wars expansion which he'll love as that is the game he always goes back to. Picked up Mike, the ole step dad, a twenty five dollar gift certificate as I had no idea what to get him and my mother was no help. Was a hefty penny there, but it felt good even if the money isn't exactly all mine (thanks dad!). Traveled over to Barnes and Nobles. Failed once again to find Steven "Le Morte dArthur" by Sir Thomas Malory. They never have the big hardback and it is getting quite annoying. Searched to find my Mom the Annie Dillard book I read for class, but to no avail. I got her "Mere Christianity" though and think that is really more up her alley anyway. I am hoping to get a bunch of pictures developed and some frames as her real gift. More thoughtful. EBgames's used Dvd section was searched finding Goldeneye on the last shelf. The fact that my brother asked for it on top of me wanting to get it for him made it a vendetta, especially since all Best Buy had were James Bond box sets. I'd like them myself, but I've no money for that.

For my own entertainment I stopped by a cigar shop next door. Blackbeard's Cigars, or something like that. Nice set up. Felt bad though as the guy working there had to come out from the back when I came in and I had no intention of buying anything. Told him I'd stop buy again, but... Well I'd like to, we'll see. I never know what to get anyway and am quite content smoking the occasional Black and Mild or Don Sebastian. Maybe I'll go in and ask him for some advise. Then I dropped by RBC and closed my account, taking my 2,500 to Wachovia to be ready for my trip to Italia. That was quite a wad of cash. They didn't even give me an envelope for it, oh well.

Home again, home again. Watched Goldeneye to "make sure it worked". It was used after all. Ordered my dad a couple books online, welding and knife building. I love my dad. He is my hero when it comes to all the things he builds, his knowledge, and his hobbies. I just couldn't live with all the working.

Later I hung out with my brother. Took a picture of us together and sent a bunch of others along with it to be printed at Walmart. Though the site said afterwards that they would be ready the 24th. I'd almost have preferred the extra 4 or so bucks to do it in an hour.

Played Civ. Always good to hone those world conquering skills. My laptop ran slow; I tried to risk a larger than standard map.

Ate dinner with the family. Meatloaf, carrots in a caramelly sauce, and potatoes. It was quite delicious for a basic meal (meals containing meatloaf are automatically basic). Sigh, I only vaguely remember what we talked about. Some picking on Mom, which is standard with my brother and I. We talked a bit about movies. M. Night Shamalan, or whatever his name is (M. Night Shyamalan, thanks IMDB!) came up. Mike and my mom love to watch movies. Think we talked about the plans for the week. A few parties for their friends and family visiting. I'll try to pay better attention tomorrow. Things you take for granted and then forget; I'm trying to learn from others' mistakes.

Visited at Emilia's house. Miss Mata was there as well. And people showed up. Lots. Chris Jones and Nicole. Michael and Andrew Martain. Robin and a couple of other people I didn't really know. And Caroline Lawler (sp?) who I took to Rose's prom back in the day. We watched "Life of Brian", which was pretty funny and not what I had expected really. I guess it wasn't as much a play on the life of Jesus as I had thought it would be. I think I preferred the hanging out and talking more. Though I do feel a bit out of the loop these days. Hard for me to keep up with all the kids now. I really need to call Ashley Mata and spend some time with her, we've rather drifted apart since college. Emilia always... I donno. She's an attractive girl, but she often acts too harsh and cold for me. I donno, too many memories of women whose negativity toward me affected me greatly. I don't like that vibe, but I love her! Oh well, I imagine it wouldn't matter if I had someone.

Afterward, went over to Faith's (though I felt guilty leaving as I see them so rarely). Faith, Ashley Ours, and Tony were there. Apparently Scott and Wilkerson went on adventures today in Durham to a game and drank some when they got back, inviting no one. Jerks. We had good talks like always. Religion was in there. Drove me crazy though, they were all reminding me of the numerous philosophers I have been reading about. I felt like I needed to say something profound, but I just couldn't. I don't know where I stand. Mostly along the lines of, "everyone calm the fuck down, it will be ok. There is no right answer. There is no side you can take that cannot be argued against." Not that anyone was getting out of hand or anything, I could just hear the voices of so many different writers. We also talked about writing a lot. Both Faith and Tony look toward writing and English. Faith will be an English teacher and wants to write too, Tony is into a lot of nonfiction, political science, and the like, but has written for years and will probably make his life that way. Or I think he should at least, I've always enjoyed his work. All that talk made me want to write. As if I haven't been thinking about it constantly anyway. I'm planning on keeping a Blog while I'm in Italy, but I don't think I can write like this every night. Especially if I am expecting people to read it. I think I'll have to stick to short little stories online and try to keep a personal journal more like this piece right here. That way I can come back and maybe write a much more comprehensive and... just well thought out piece about my trip, while still maintaining the Blog. The blog is important after all, both to keep me writing, but possibly more so to keep me in touch with my friends. I had planned to do a bit of exploring tonight, but this right here turned out to be a much more substantial bit of writing then I expected.

Right, if anyone was crazy enough to read all this... then I love you!

Ciao!

Damnit! Sometimes I am so stupid. Do you ever figure things out and then forget you did only to run into the problem confused later?

Everything is done and over. No class, no exams, not even anything to worry over about going to Italy. I've taken care of everything. So no distractions! Aka, why I can't get her off my mind and feel so alone. This doesn't really change anything of course, but at least I know why I am feeling it so heavily now and wasn't before. Though it is kind of a bummer that I hadn't progressed as far previously as I had hoped.

Oh well.

You know what is really annoying? I'm fairly certain all my relationships with females will/are suffering. I seem to only be able to maintain relationships with women on a solely friendship basis, when I am in a relationship. Now that I am lonely, every woman I know at the very least gets a one over as a prospect girlfriend. The "I wonder how a relationship with her would work out". Which is mostly just annoying as I know damn well I don't actually want a relationship with most of them and that feelings I may feel are usually based solely on being lonely. That's not to say there aren't a few girls out there I think there could be something with...

Bah, what I really want is Sarrin 2.0. Fuck 1.1 would be nice. Just her, but nice, sweet, and more importantly understanding and... No, that's basically it. A Sarrin who likes me, finds me attractive, and is accepting of who I am. Oh well, I just have to accept that she has lots of issues herself and that there is nothing to wait around for.

If only logic could conquer feelings, we'd be in business.

Peace comrades (the two, maybe three of you who know of this things existence.)

"If wishes were horses, we'd all be eating steak."

Really wishing there was some mind of matter going on here. Should be. Emotions are stupid, unpredictable, and really fucking annoying. Why didn't things just work out? That... that woulda been nice.

Thought I was getting over this shit.

I'd ask for a remedy, but I'm fairly certain no one has it.

Grrr, maybe tomorrow.

Thank you xkcd.com!

Your sorry for calling me? You obviously don't understand me, but I realized that was an impossibility long ago. You just called at the worst possible time for you to call. One of those times where I didn't want to see you, hear from you, or even acknowledge your existence.

Admittedly those become more frequent as I fall out of love with you and see you for who you really are.

Still, you can always call me and expect my help. That's just the kind of person I am. Doesn't matter who you are, if you ask me for my help, you will receive it the best I am able.

You didn't even tell me what was wrong! How can you expect me to react any differently? As a general rule I have to assume everything you do is in some way meant to hurt me, just so I can stay on my toes enough to keep you from hurting me whether you want to or not!

Tis a terrible game I know, but I'm tired of the depression.

If you want a better response try me in a week, maybe I'll have put my guard back down a bit, though I'm paranoid in general so surprises tend to invoke a defensive posture. Honestly I just don't get why you are the only one who doesn't understand me. You aren't ignorant so the only thing I can figure is you just can't see anything from any perspective but your own.

I'd say I'm all ears to hear another reason, but I spent enough time asking you that and honestly just don't care anymore. I don't like the idea of people just saying all ex-girlfriends are crazy, but you have some issues to work out.

Peace,

- Dale

Have me fall in love.
Have me spend two years of my life with her.
Have me finally realize she's not good for me.
Have me act since she won't change.
Have me grow to accept this contradiction.
Have me learn to hate her actions.

Then threaten her life.

Cause that's fun.

Course I knew it was you. Knew it when that ringer woke me up. Had forgotten I even had it.
And the only thing I could think was "what the hell does the bitch want now, hasn't she already got enough planned to hurt me?"

Fuckin. Fuck.

if i'm a good person, it is only because i know how to choose good friends.

Just woke up. Yea I know. I took a nap, get over it.

Crazy dream. Not really a... grand dream or anything. I don't really care about it. But there was this one part in it...

So Meri was in it. Not as Meri mind you, but as some random chick in Ashley's sorority. If that wasn't funny enough, she was wearing all green. Like an old green poof dress and she had big curly green hair. She was running across the road (by running I of course mean moving her legs very quickly, but barely at all) and yelling "Darling! It's ok! I'm back, so now you can go on living!" To which I of course replied, "well, I was living quite fine without you..." Then she tripped and almost got hit by a car as she was yelling at another girl about how I was truly in love with her instead. So I ran out and helped her up, trying to convince her that I barely knew her and that everything would be ok without me.

Yea so there was some complicated love triangles involving drinking and the like. Meri was a new addition, who I had yet to talk to and only met the day before picking up one of the other girls. Obviously she had fallen immediately in love with me. We are talking about my dreams after all.

Women can fall for me in my dreams.

Back the fuck off.

So... that was fun. Back to the paper working. By "back" I mean "time to start". I only have 14 days left. I'm guessing the whole "finish early so that my professor can read it and help me with it" is probably not gonna work out.

Peace. Love.

Clarice is back and she heeds me like the days of old.

My old man patched her up good. A wound that surely would have been fatal too. But she is back, tip top.

God it feels good to drive. I could drive all day. I imagine I will miss that most abroad. The day is grey and cold. Cold from the wind, but it is a good wind this season. The leaves fly through the air -- yellows, reds, and browns. Music and speed pumping adrenaline through my veins and I feel alive again. I could do anything. The hills make for perfect rolling backdrops, Clarice handling them well. She's no speed demon so you must be careful, too often a slide seems as if it went on for only a moment more... I've already seen too many ditches in my time. I'm sure I'd be protected, but at the cost of her.

Always protected, even when I don't want to be.

current location: the sofa. wonder if it is actually a couch? nope, wikipedia says they are the same thing. and wikipedia is practically the word of God anyway.

so i hate my research paper. i can't focus these days and i have to focus a lot to try to pull off a 20 page research paper. i feel like giving up. throwing in the flag. raising up the white towel.

reverse that.

i had to have 3 pages of it done and an outline for the rest by tuesday. only today i discovered it was due yesturday. that sucks. only 5% of my grade. better than the 10% i thought it was. sigh. i've no desire to do it. i want this semester over. my mental sanity is not coping like it normally does. it is too desperately focused on trying to find a worth-wide social life to work on academics. as i'm socially inept, it doesn't look good.

oh, oh! my paper is going to be bullshit too. hard to create 20 pages worth of bullshit with random research looking vaguely like it backs this bullshit up. specially when one has done practically no research. judo fail.

on top of all that i just don't give a flying fuck. bah whatever.

so i freaked out last night. like... really freaked out. dead-bolted my bedroom (yes it has a deadbolt. no i don't know why.) balanced a book on the closet as an alarm (there is a way to break in through there; it is how i would do it.) and slept with a blade under my pillow. yep, i can be a paranoid fuck. i had a very slight reason for this paranoia, a guy i'm fairly certain would like to kill me was in town, but that was still a bit over the top and not that effective anyway. course now i've told everyone with a computer my set up... whatever, it wasn't exactly anywhere near foolproof anyway.

the only reason i bring this up is because i might actually be drifting off into an uncontrollable insanity. instead of my nice normal controlled insanity. it really wasn't a big deal and i could have not done any of those things; i just didn't have a good reason not to at the time. so that's probably why i don't think it was a big deal. i woke up after a couple of hours and put up all that stuff anyway. still, sometimes i wish i wasn't so paranoid, it can affect ones relationships sometimes.

jolly good fun.

Remember remember the 5th of November,
The Gunpowder, Treason and Plot,
I know of no reason why the gunpowder treason
should ever be forgot.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Guy_Fawkes_Night

Also, I heart Sara.

Oh yea, this is a pretty sweet video:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=v52Igdotisk

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for the daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I wanna drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow

And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very very, mad world, mad world

Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday
And I feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me

And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very very, mad world, mad world
Enlarging your world, mad world

Oh and this is what brought it back into memory... wasn't a fan of that movie anyway...

http://youtube.com/watch?v=5wcc-ERAEwA

I've always liked that description. It's vague, yet kind of cynical. Answers the question, but non specific.

I fell asleep on the floor last night. Couldn't find the willpower to crawl into bed. Bad night.

Realized I don't really love God. Respect him. What with the creating of the universe and all. I don't really blame him or complain for my lot; it is his world after all. What right have I to be angry with him for not doing what I want him to do with his world? Still going to tell him what I want though...

Point is I don't love him. There is a lot about the world I love. Really a beautiful place. And many beautiful people in it too. I just find it hard to love anything anymore. Hard to love myself, hard to love the world.

Good thing is I'll get over it. Just might take awhile. Kinda a lonely road. People just aren't very... well they can't help and I suppose I can't blame them. They are just people, with their own agendas and I can't expect myself to make the top of their lists now can I? I'm too busy with myself to worry about other people, why should they be any different? I guess I get this idea in my head that if I always go out of my way to be there for them, maybe they'd be there for me when I need it...

Of course that kinda makes it not so altruistic now does it? Had my own self-interest in mind from the beginning. Bah.

I miss her. I can't stop. And it is driving me crazy.

I'm convinced she didn't really love me anyway. Just that I treated her well and loved her.

Still love her.

Need an off switch.

Maybe then I could do some work and start living my life again.

Oh and I really just hate women because they remind me of her.

I'd love someone else if I could.

But I can't. I've tried.

(hey look, now I can be cool like everyone else on livejournal and complain about my life! I'ma have a beer.)

Hooray alcohol! Hooray!

I had a lovely evening tonight.

Steven is now my friend.

So that's sweet.

Sleep now.

Peace God
(in honor of Peter Ger...akus.... somethin like that; he's greek)

ps. i don't even remember how to post this.